Proud
by Ellivia22
Summary: I act macho on the outside to hide the pain of being an outcast in my family. But after what happened today, my world crashed around me. Z/C NOT Twincest! R


(A/N: I'm getting tired of the whole Cody/Bailey drama so I've decided to write about my second favorite character, Zack. And of course you know me and how much I love writing brother bonding stories. Anyway, I hope you like it :) ~Ellivia22~)

Disclaimer: I don't own Suite Life, though I really wish I did :)

******Proud**

******By: Ellivia22**

******Zack**

"Worthless!" I scream, dragging my switchblade across the pale skin.

"You stupid fuck!" I scream again, moving the blade across again.

Thick red blood runs freely from my arm as the cuts increase. Pain throbs from the wounds, but it's nothing to how I feel in the inside. The tears mix with the blood. I act macho on the outside to hide the pain of being an outcast in my family. But after what happened today, my world crashed around me.

___"Take that, Codester!" I said to my twin as we sat on the couch in the suite playing Mortal Kombat. My character, Sub Zero just totally annihilated Cody's character, Scorpion._

___"Sub Zero wins," the TV announced. I grinned while Cody groaned._

___"Well at least I can beat you at academics," Cody commented._

___I winced on the inside. Contrary to popular belief, I actually did care about school. I just wasn't as smart as Cody so I pretended like I didn't care. It hurt so much every time Cody got an A and I only got a C or lower. I forced a grin on my face. "Yeah but at least I can beat you at what's important."_

___My twin rolled his eyes and grinned back. I leaned back on the couch. It was Christmas break so Cody and I were home for the holidays. It was nice not having to work at the juice bar or worry about schoolwork for two weeks. One more semester of high school, summer, then college. Cody applied at Yale, while I applied at several colleges. Cody was definitely going to get in. As for me, so far I had been rejected at all of them. Boston University was my last hope. I wanted for my family to be proud of me for once. I wanted to be loved. The letter should come at any time._

___"Hey boys," Mom said cheerfully as she entered the suite. "I've got letters for you." She handed us both envelopes. The Boston University was on the top of mine. My heart pounding I ripped mine open. _Please say I got in. Please.

___I skimmed the letter. My smile faded, my eyes burned. I felt my world crash around me as the words repeated in my head. _'Unfortunately we will be unable to offer you a space in the upcoming class.' ___Just like all the other letters._

___I felt as though I had been stabbed in the heart. The pain was so bad inside it took all that I was to keep the tears from falling. _I don't know why I even bothered hoping___I thought to myself bitterly. _I didn't try hard enough in high school. I'm not smart enough. I'm a failure. I'm worthless.

___"I got in!" Cody shrieked, dancing around the suite. "I got into Yale!"_

___"Honey that's great!" Mom said, hugging Cody tightly. Then she turned to me. "What about you, Zachary?"_

___I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I didn't get in."_

___"Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry," Mom said sympathetically. She ran over and hugged me. My heart shattered seeing the disappointment in her eyes. Cody looked at me, sympathy and ____disappointment also on his face. I forced down another sob. I let down my family once again._

___Mom started going on and on about how I could start at a community college then transfer later, but I wasn't listening. The words from the rejection letter kept ringing in my head. "Let's get some ice cream," Mom suggested._

___The shame inside me was so powerful I couldn't stand it any longer. I pulled myself out of my mother's grip. "I don't want any. Go without me."_

___Before Mom or Cody could say anything I entered my room and slammed the door behind me. I slid to the ground and buried my head in my arms. I sobbed my heart out. I was worthless. I wanted to die._

I turn over my wrist exposing my vein. A sob escapes my throat once more. "Die you worthless piece of shit!" Then I slide the blade down my arm, cutting the vein.

Physical pain explodes in me this time, but I don't care. My head starts spinning for the amount of blood loss. I have to finish this. "Finish it," I tell myself. "Get rid of yourself. Release the burden from your family!" Then I slide the blade down my other arm.

"Zack?" The voice sounds so far away. It sounds like Cody. "Zack, what in the hell is going on?"

Dark spots start to appear in my line of vision. Cody pulls me into his arms. "Hold on, Zack," he says desperately. "I'm going to get some help!" His voice is higher than usual, hurting my ears. He pulls out his cellphone and starts screaming into it.

I feel myself slip away. The pain, both physical and emotional is beyond what I can handle. Using all my strength I grab my little brother's shirt. "I love you, Cody," I whisper before falling into darkness.

******Cody**

I hang up the phone and look at my pale brother. The tears start falling down my face as I watch the life drip away from him. I knew something was wrong. I could feel it.

___*Flashback*_

___"I'm so proud of you, honey," Mom said to me as we ate our ice cream. "You're going to do great at Yale!"_

___"Thanks," I mumbled. I wasn't really paying attention. I couldn't get Zack out of my mind. I knew that rejection letter hurt him a lot and I wanted to check on him the moment he slammed the door shut, but Mom said he needed to calm down a little and insisted on buying me ice cream. The pain was squeezing my insides. I knew it was his._

___"I hope Zack is okay," I mumbled, not noting that I said it out loud._

___"I'm sure he's fine," Mom said, but her voice sounded uncertain. She sighed. "I've always been proud of the both of you, but sometimes I wish he would've tried a little harder."_

___I didn't answer. I knew the reason Zack didn't try hard enough was because he didn't have confidence in himself. I wished there was a way I could show him that I loved him, even if he wasn't as smart as me._

___Suddenly I felt agonizing pain run up and down my arms. I felt as though someone was slicing me open. My heart was pounding. What in the hell was Zack doing?_

___I stood up unsteadily. Something was wrong. I had to go check on him. "Thanks for the ice cream, Mom" I tried to say in a normal voice. It wasn't easy. The pain was so bad I could barely think. "I've got to call Bailey and tell her I got in." I wasn't really planning on calling my girlfriend, but it was a good excuse to check on Zack._

___Mom gave me a strange look. "Is everything okay?"_

___I forced a smile on my face. "Fine."_

___She looked at her watch. "All right. I have to go to rehearsal anyway. I'll see you and Zack tonight."_

___Without bothering to answer, I hurried out of the ice cream bar. As the elevator slowly took me up to the suite, I felt the pain on my arms increasing. My heart pounded in my chest. _Please be okay, Zack. Please!

*___End of Flashback*_

My body is shaking so hard I can barely hold my bleeding brother in my arms. Quickly I grab one of his spare shirts from off the floor and rip it into pieces. Zack moans in pain as I put pressure on the wounds and wrap them up tight in hopes to stop the blood flow.

I can't believe Zack tried to kill himself! Zack of all people! He always seemed to be the stronger twin, the more stable twin. He knows I can't make it without him. Why would he do something so selfish? I know that if he doesn't make it then I'm going to follow. I can't live without him.

"Unloved….worthless….failure." Zack moans weakly.

I keep my arms around him tight, not caring if I'm getting all bloody. The fact that he's still talking gives me some sort of relief. He's at least still alive. I can't believe he's saying those things about himself! They're not true at all. He doesn't understand what it would do to me if I lost him. ___Don't you dare do this to me, Zack, _I think to myself in desperation. ___Don't you dare_! I stroke his golden hair softly and kiss his forehead. "I love you so much, Zack" I say out loud. "Please, don't leave me!"

I bury my head in my twin's shoulder and continue sobbing, praying with all my heart that the paramedics will come soon and that I'm not too late.

CZC

Thirty minutes later, I'm pacing around the hospital waiting room. I'm so scared I'm about to collapse. Today has turned from the happiest day of my life to the worst.

A young doctor walks in front of me wearing a white coat, her dark hair back in a pony tail. "Mr. Martin? I'm Dr. Alex Reynolds."

I stop pacing. Since Zack and I are both of legal age now she can tell me his status. I haven't called Mom yet, because I've been too worried about his condition to think about doing anything else. "H-how's my brother?" I ask desperately.

"It's a good thing you found him when you did. Otherwise Zack would've bled to death. However, his condition is still unstable."

I choke on another sob. "W-what are his c-chances?"

Dr. Reynolds looks at me grimly. "Not good. He needs a blood transfusion to survive. Mr. Martin, would you be willing to donate some of your blood?"

I immediately grab the clipboard she's offering to me. I know it's a consent form. "Yes! Take it! Take ALL of it! Just save my brother!"

Hope twinkles in the doctor's eye. "Good. Now follow me."

___I'm going to save you, Zack_ I think to myself. ___You may want to die, but I'm not willing to let you go._

******Zack**

I open my eyes slowly. I wonder where I ended up at. Heaven? Hell? Limbo? I don't really care. I just want to be away from life. My eyes adjust to the whiteness of what I now know as the hospital. Damnit! I was SO close! I wish Cody hadn't of interfered. I take in a sharp breath as pain throbs in my arms, which are all bandaged up.

Light sobbing can be heard in the room. I move my eyes to see my twin's head buried in his arms on my bed. His hand is clutching my tight, his entire body shaking. I've never been happier to see him. At the same time I've never been madder.

I pull my hand out of his grasp. "Dude what the fuck? Why didn't you let me die?"

Cody lifts his head from my bed and glares at me hard. His face is puffy, red, and stained with tears. "You actually thought I was going to let you? I'm not heartless, you know!"

Tears continue to fall from his eyes, but I ignore them. "You ARE heartless! You saw that I was suffering and yet you brought me back to this hell! How could you hurt me like that?"

Cody grabs my shoulders roughly. "And you think your suicide wouldn't hurt me?"

"Hurt you? You should be glad! You'd no longer have to deal with a brother who is such a disappointment, a failure! I figure that you would've been proud of me at last for getting rid of such a waste of space!"

"Is that what this is all about? You don't think I've ever been proud of you?"

A tear rolls down my face. I say nothing. Cody sighs. "Zack, what you did was selfish, irresponsible, and uncalled for. Did you have ANY IDEA that if I hadn't of found you in time that I would've followed?" My eyes widen in horror, my heart pounding. "That's right. I would've followed. Do you know why?" I shake my head. "Because I LOVE you! I can't stand being in a world without my brother, the person I love the most and who makes me proud EVERY DAY!"

My head snaps up in surprise. "I make you proud?"

He reaches over and wipes the tears off my face. "Yes. I admit that you've done some stupid things that I'm not proud of, like this for example, but I've always been proud of you. I'm proud of you for your success in any sport you try. I'm proud to have a brother who is so good at making friends. I'm proud to have a brother who is willing to do anything for me. Most of all, I'm proud to have ___you_ as my older twin brother!"

I pull out of his grip, my mind contemplating his words. I'm having a hard time believing him. Cody loving me? After all the things I've done? I notice a bandage on his arm. "What happened to you?" I ask in concern.

He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. His tearstained face is serious. "I gave all the blood needed to save your life. I wasn't going to lose you without a fight. I love you too much."

I feel as though a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders. A weight I've been carrying for so long. My brother must love me if he's willing to donate all his blood to save my life. His words echo in my head. ___I'm proud to have _you___as my older twin brother_. He's actually proud of me. I'm not a waste of space after all.

A strangled sob escapes my throat. I lunge forward and grab Cody in a tight hug. He wraps his arms tightly around me and pulls me close. I've never fallen apart like this-especially in front of my twin. But I know my brother. I know he understands. I let the tears continue to fall and the sobs escape my throat.

My painful insides are replaced with guilt. He's right. What I tried to do was stupid. I lay my head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Cody. You're right. What I did was extremely stupid. I've never felt good enough, and that rejection letter made me feel worse. I lost the will to live. Thank you for showing me that life is worth living. Thank you for loving me enough to save me."

He rubs my back gently. "I'll always love you, Zack."

"I love you too, Cody." I whisper.

As we hold each other tightly, I am truly thankful that he saved my life.

******The End**

******Thanks for reading. Please review :)**


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